Here's some more on Sophie - I have decided to keep writing this story and see where it takes me:
2060
The wind whistled past the window she was sitting at. She
stared out at nothing really. No matter what she had in front of her, nothing
really seemed to get through to her anymore. Her eyes were there and technically
they were working (the doctors had made sure of that fact). Hours of tests and
other annoyances had led them to that very inconsequential conclusion. Who
really cared whether or not her ears worked? What possible use could they be to
her or anyone? There was nothing in the world she could possibly want to hear
any certainly nothing to pass onto anyone else.
She felt like she had left her entire world behind – her
life as she had known it had crumbled around her ears. So she retreated into
herself. Into her own world. A world of her own creation and a way to escape
the oppressive feelings of deep unhappiness and often terror. Fear was her
constant companion it seemed. It was always present, even though her days were
very much the same routine and she knew really that she was safe. That didn’t
stop her from feeling this fear though – it was almost her constant companion.
Not that she ever articulated that fear in words or actions.
She simply sat, stoic and implacable each day looking to the view outside of
her window, wondering if it could calm her nerves. Wondering if in fact there
was anything that could do that job for her.
She sat there, day after day completely immobile. There was
nothing that could tempt her away from her spot on the ledge there and nothing
that could distract her from her aim: to just be left completely alone. To be
left to think, to hide, to reminisce and to lose herself in her thoughts and
her memories. That shouldn’t be too much to ask she thought to herself. After
all, if she was simply sitting quietly here then she wasn’t hurting anyone or
causing anyone to have to do anything for her or any of those things. She
simply wanted to be allowed to be. To be herself alone and quiet in her own
private little world.
She could tell that this was difficult for people to handle
really. Even as an old lady she wasn’t completely unaware of the things around
her. She could sense her carers worrying for her and trying with all their
might to drag her into conversations and other “fun activities” that they
somehow cajoled the other residents into. Not for her. Sophie was entirely
immovable in her desire to just be left to be quiet. She was content within her
own little walls and was content to remain there for as long as they would let
her stay. That was what she really really wanted. To just not be pushed or
challenged or cajoled in any way. She wanted to be left to her own devices –
however quiet those devices tended to be.
This she knew seemed selfish to others. She heard them whispering
when they thought she couldn’t hear them (her hearing was in perfect working
order thanks very much) and she felt bad for them she really did. That they
could be so easily affected by little old her seemed such a surprise to Sophie.
She felt that they placed far too much importance on her involvement and her
words. She was nobody too special (at least she couldn’t see how she was so
special to those specific people) and so she thought they should just simply
leave her well alone. God knows she gave them enough opportunities. She never
really responded at all. And they just couldn’t seem to get that at all.
She actively wanted to be in her own little world. She
wanted people to ignore her. She wanted to spend her days in contemplative
silence. She didn’t even want to have music to listen to. Sure, they put it on
for her all of the time and she was expected to respond in some way. But she
learned to block it out like everything else over time. She quickly found that
if she were to get up ad turn off the music once the carer had left the room
they would do that all the more often as a reason for her to get up and
interact with something in the world (the radio was hardly a case for
interaction though she thought). So she learned to leave it and just zone out
from it’s noise. The carers seemed disappointed the first time she didn’t
choose to turn off the radio. She heard them whispering about how they felt she
had “lost the will to even make her own choices now” and that “she must be so
very lonely inside her head.” Little did they know.
She knew loneliness and what it was. She had lived with it
for most of her life. She knew how it felt to spend hours and days and weeks on
end on her own, longing for someone to take an interest – or at least to take
the right kind of interest in her and her life. It was so hurtful. So
unbelievably painful that she could hardly bring herself to bear it. Those were
times she would sooner forget all about. They were times when for one reason or
another she had been coaxed out of her protective shell and felt brave enough
to try to be a part of this so-called wonderful world people raved about so
often and so much. A world where people could hurt you and upset you and take
you for granted and do their damnedest to make you feel like you were worthless
and a nobody and not even worthy of any kind of recognition. A world where
people took your feelings, your hopes, your dreams and your innermost thoughts
and turned them against you. It was a world of sadness and pain, and it wasn’t
somewhere Sophie was keen to revisit.
She could feel her temper rising inside of her as she
thought these thoughts. Her emotions were burning a fire inside of her and she
had a real struggle to get back to a place of peace and control. She often struggled
this way when sitting absorbed in her thoughts. Particularly if she had had a
lot of unnecessary interruptions to her day and she was feeling picked on and
got at.
There was no trace at all of this turmoil on her lined and
weary face however. Anyone watching her would see a picture of calm and
serenity. Not the troubled woman she really was inside. She was careful to show
no sign of any turmoil in her face at all. She was afraid this would lead to
more questions and fussing and other such things, which she had decided long
ago she could definitely do without.
The day was shifting slightly outside the window she could
see. The clouds were gathering and the mist was down on the grass. It would be
a cold and possibly rainy day here she thought. She could feel a semi shiver
snaking it’s way down her spine. Not that it was especially cold where she was.
The temperature was kept very much at a constant warmth for her – consistent
and comfortable to the last. She never complained of the cold and wore much the
same clothes every day – all picked out for her by her carers. She took no
pleasure at all in her appearance these days. Nothing about her life could
excite or interest her at all really.
It hadn’t always been this way though. Her life had been
very different.
*
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