1990
Sophie sits quietly staring out of her bedroom window. It’s a
rainy day and she feels so tired and so fed up. Her eyes have no sparkle in
them. Her entire body seems to be pointing towards the ground somehow. She is
tired and unhappy.
She is also hiding from mother. She knows what her mother
will say about her feeling upset. She will say she has no reason to. She will
get angry with her. Tell her she has “no idea how much effort it takes to bring
up a kid – especially a “whiny kid like her”. That she should “count herself
lucky” because there are people in the world who have a much harder life than
she does.
She would also say that Sophie should just pull herself
together. That she can’t expect “everything to be handed to her on a plate” and
that she just had to try harder to get what she wanted. Sophie looked even more
gloomy as she thought of these well worn phrases her mum constantly bombarded
her with. She hated that she couldn’t talk to her mother. She knew that other
kids could talk to their mums. Or at least, she was pretty certain they could.
She didn’t have anyone she could compare with though as she really had no close
friends at all. Nobody whose house she had gone to, nobody who she could rely
on or trust. She had none of that.
She hadn’t had that for a long time really. She knew that
some of her teachers worried about her because of that. She couldn’t really see
what she could do about it though. It seemed to her that she was stuck with
having no friends at school. Everyone hated her and she didn’t really know why.
Maybe there was something wrong with her. Maybe she was
somehow wrong. Maybe they could see something she couldn’t – some awful things
about her that made them want to laugh at her and make fun of her and not want
to be friends with her. Maybe that was
it. She stared blankly out at the rain. She didn’t know what it could be
though.
Mother didn’t understand. There were things Sophie hadn’t
told her about. Things she had to keep a secret. Maybe if mother knew those
things it would be easier for her. Maybe it would help. There was just no point
in thinking that way though – mother couldn’t know those things. They were a
secret. Sophie’s life had been so much easier before those secrets came along.
Before she had seen what she had seen. She had definitely been happier then.
It all went back to those days when she would find a quiet
spot to hide. Somewhere unexpected – like around the back of a shed or up a
tree. Today she was hiding in her room but that was expected. People would
expect her to hide there. But she used to hide all over the place. That was
when she ended up in the wrong hiding place and saw the wrong things.
It started out as a good thing. She had some friends at
school at the time – she was ten by then and didn’t look quite so awful and
fat. Looking back now she didn’t really think she ever was fat, but that was
what people said to her at the time. But anyway, she had friends and sometimes
she would tell them things about things she heard or saw when she was hiding.
Silly things but important to them. Things that they didn’t really get but that
they wanted to. They knew they would be a part of growing up and they
definitely wanted to be grown up. She sighed. That was when trouble had kicked
in again for Sophie. She still wasn’t totally sure why.
Everything had been great for her. People at school thought
she was ace – she seemed to know so many things! Well, she had heard lots of
things and could repeat them was the truth. She didn’t really know them at all.
She didn’t totally get what was meant. But still, it was more than anyone else
knew. And that made her cool and made people want to talk to her.
It all started like this: one day she was sitting high up in
a tree at the end of the field behind her mothers house. She was nestled in a
branch just reading a book when she heard voices underneath her. There was a
man’s voice and a girl’s voice. She didn’t recognize the voices at all and she
honestly wasn’t trying to listen in but she just couldn’t help it. She could
hear every word they were saying. She tried (well, a bit anyway) to concentrate
on her book but it was no good. She was listening to their conversation.
The man was talking about love. And how people like to show
each other love. That people like to show people they love that they love them.
The girl agreed with this. It sounded as though her words were kind of blocked
– like she was eating a lolly at the time. Sophie couldn’t hear her speak all
that well at all. Maybe that was why she didn’t recognise her voice?
Anyway, the man kept on about love and showing how much you
love someone. He asked the girl how she showed people she loved them. She was
quiet for a bit before she answered, “I kiss and cuddle my mum and dad because
I love them. Is that what you mean?”
Sophie heard the man move across the ground and realised
they must have been sitting at the bottom of the tree right below her. She
couldn’t see them though through the trees. And that the man (she assumed
because it sounded like someone heavy moving) had moved over to the girl. He
agreed with the girl. He said that was exactly what he was talking about.
Sophie heard sweet wrappers being rustled and then no more talking.
The two people – man and girl – must have sat together
rustling sweets and not talking for at least half an hour. Sophie got a bit
worried. If they didn’t leave soon how would she get down and go home to
mother? She would have to get down in front of them and let them know she had
been there, been listening, all along. She knew in her heart that wouldn’t be a
good idea. But if she was late home to mother.
She fretted about that and worried and tried to think of some excuse for
mother that she would be OK about. She quickly dismissed all of them. She had
to get home on time.
She could hear movement beneath her though – maybe they were
leaving? Maybe she was going to be lucky this time – they would leave and she
could run home and be there on time. She heard them picking up papers, brushing
off dust from their clothes. She was so relieved. They left and she sneaked
down the tree after them and ran off. She didn’t even take time to look and see
if she could see them or recognize them – she just ran off down the track
across the field to her house in time for tea. She knew she would be in all
kinds of trouble if she was late.
She didn’t really think too much about what she had heard at
first. She did wonder who the people were but other than that she didn’t think
much about it at all. She only talked about it at all when she heard some girls
talking at school. She was sat near them in the lunch room and she couldn’t help
joining in. They were talking about boys they liked. About what it would be
like to be with them – to be in love with them. Sophie saw a connection here and dived right
in head first. Big mistake. She wanted so desperately to fit in and to have
friends. Somehow the years and years of knockbacks hadn’t made a difference to
her at all. They hadn’t made her give in at all. They had made her crave
attention more than ever. She wanted to say the right thing – she felt it in
her heart that if she just were to say the right thing then she would be set.
People would like her and her life would be better all round. So, the instant
she could think of something to say to these girls she just went right ahead
and said it.
“I know about love, what it’s like,” Sophie said, slightly
too loudly. Everyone stopped their conversations and turned to look at her.
Sophie squirmed in her seat uncomfortably. She had wanted them to listen to
her, but maybe not all at once. This was suddenly very scary.
“What would you know about it Sophie? You don’t even have
friends, never mind anything else.” Everyone laughed with Tamara who’d just
spoken. She was right really – Sophie didn’t know anything. Nothing at all. But
she had heard stuff and could repeat it. That was good enough for her.
“Well, I know that it means to want to hug and kiss someone
more than anyone else.” Sophie was gulping for air and trying not to sound
nervous. She wanted to sound as though she knew exactly what was going on. It
was hard though – the others were staring at her and making her nervous.
“Everyone knows that unless they’re stupid.” The girls were
laughing. Sophie could feel she was losing their attention, that they were
starting to turn away. She had to find something better to say. Something that
would make them think she knew stuff.
“As well though, as well you want to touch them. And you
don’t want anyone to know.” From nowhere Sophie had come out with a voice that
sounded like she knew what she was saying. Her voice had come over all calm and
confident. She felt the girls attention swing back towards her. “But you might
not know that stuff, you might never have heard of it.”
The girls were all looking at her now, looking at her in a
different way than before. They were quiet and some of them looked surprised.
Sophie waited patiently, trying to look casual for what Tamara would say. She
was the important one. Whatever she decided they would all go along with. If
you were alright with Tamara then you were alright with everyone.
“Maybe you know more than I thought Sophie,” Tamara said
coolly. At that moment the bell rang for end of lunch break. Everyone started
to pick up their things and head for classrooms. Sophie felt like she was
walking on air. Tamara had agreed with her. Tamara had said something nice about
her. She felt like her whole world had changed in the blink of an eye. One
moment she had been invisible and alone, now the possibilities were endless.
This could be the thing she had needed to get her noticed and to get people to
like her again.
The school days flew by after that. Every day she would
spend her breaks and lunchtimes with Tamara and her friends and they would talk
and talk and talk. Mostly about boys and relationships (which they all though
they were old enough for but their parents didn’t) and about what it would be
like to have a boyfriend.
Sophie was often the centre of attention. She would tell
them all of the things she overheard whilst sitting in the tree (which she now
did all of the time on purpose in case her mystery couple should come along)
but would make it sound as though those were things she knew herself or had
heard of herself. She would never let on that she had just heard them whilst
hiding up a tree. She knew well enough that would not be cool.
She would go to Tamara’s house after school a lot, and they
had suddenly become proper best friends. She could hardly remember what it had
been like before this. How she had been lonely and would go days without
talking to anyone at all. She felt like she belonged with these popular girls,
like she had always been friends with them. She was riding high on the
adrenaline of being popular. And it felt
really good.
Looking back at her 10 year old self as a 12 year old Sophie
smiled a little sad smile. She hadn’t realised that all of these new found
friends had come to her too easily. That anything that was given to her that
easily could also be taken away that easily too. That there would be a time
coming up soon where the girls would be shocked by the things she said. That
she wouldn’t understand why (because she had never really understood any of the
things she had repeated to them) and that she would end up in real trouble
because of it.
Sophie had been so happy for a brief time there. And it was
a brief time. In a matter of months it had all changed again and she felt as
though everything was wrong and broken in her world once more. She went back to
being ignored but with an added layer of being laughed and sniggered about
thrown in for good measure. As if to make sure she didn’t get any ideas above
her station ever again. As if to make sure she knew her place by then. And
Sophie surely did. Her place was to be alone, and she felt like that would be
the case forever more into the future.
So that was a big part of why Sophie was so upset
really. She was upset because nothing in
her life seemed to be right really. Nothing seemed to work out for her. She was
stuck in this lonely place and couldn’t see what to do about it. And her mother
didn’t understand. No one did really. A lot of people said they did but they
didn’t.
Her teachers tried to talk to her about it all and tried to
convince her that everything would be OK. Gave her advice like “joining a club
might help you to make friends” or “why don’t you try to talk to people a bit
more.” It annoyed Sophie to be honest. Did they really think she hadn’t tried
that already? Did they think she was completely stupid? She tried to talk to
people all of the time. Or at least she did try. For a long time. She would try
every day. She would talk and get no reply. She would try to make friends and
get no reply.
She had tried so much. It was so hard and so embarrassing.
That was the worst part of it to be honest. The embarrassment. Mostly Sophie
didn’t mind being on her own. She was happy enough reading or listening to
music on her headphones. Even watching TV sometimes. But it was the
embarrassment really. That was what really upset her.
Even though she was OK with being on her own most of the
time other people weren’t. Other people seemed to need to interfere all of the
time (teachers) or to point out she was on her own all of the time (other
kids). She just wished they would leave her be. Wished they would leave her
alone and let her get on with her life. What did it matter to them if she was
alone? Why would they even care? Why did they have to make such a big deal out
of it? Why couldn’t they just ignore her?
She wouldn’t mind if they did ignore her, as long as they
did it totally. So no snide comments, no tripping her up in the corridor at
school, no throwing bits of paper or spit balls at her when no one was looking.
If they could ignore every good thing she did – ignore all her opinions and all
her ideas; not let her join in with them in anything and just generally make
her life miserable by being ignorant then they could definitely just ignore her
altogether. She would really prefer that. Really she would. Just to not exist
as far as they were concerned. Her life would be better then.
As it was at the moment she counted any day that she got
through school without any nasty words said or anything else as being a good
day. It didn’t really matter that no one had spoken to her. She didn’t really
care about that. The fact that she hadn’t said a single word to anybody all day
until she got home to mother just didn’t matter. As long as she had gotten
through the day without anything awful happening. Then she was happy enough.
Not happy, but happy enough.
On days like this though, days when she was just at home
thinking about things. Those were the days when she felt the most like she
wanted to have some friends. When she felt the most lonely. If she could only
talk to someone about anything – about how she felt (without them being an
adult who just tried to tell her that everything was OK and things would be
better soon). Then she would feel better.
She had started a diary to try and make sense of everything
that was going through her head. But her mother had found it and read it and
went mad at her for writing such things. For thinking such things. Sophie had
been embarrassed then too. She had been mad with herself for upsetting her mum
and unhappy about her mum reading her
thoughts. After her mum had stopped shouting at her and sent her upstairs she
had been angry herself. It wasn’t as though she had asked her mum to read her
diary. She had written things in there that only she was meant to see. They
were her private thoughts. They were things that she wanted to write (or really
wanted to talk with someone about) but she had no one to talk to at all.
She had only written them down at all because of that. She
had felt like she had to write them or she wouldn’t be able to stop thinking
about them. Yes, some of them weren’t very nice. She knew that. But she had to
get them out of her head.
Mother didn’t understand that at all. She didn’t even listen
when Sophie tried to explain. She had been so angry – Sophie had never seen her
like that before. She had shouted and shouted and shouted.
Sophie had been really shocked about that. Shocked that her
mother had reacted so badly. Shocked that she had even bothered to read it in
the first place. She didn’t know her mum went through her room much apart from
a bit of hoovering. But she obviously did. She wondered if mother would have
read that diary if it had been meant for her. If she had written her mother a
letter or a poem would she have read it? Or did she only read it because she
knew it was information she wasn’t supposed to know. Information that would
make her understand her daughter more. She had no idea that mother would spend
so much time just reading about her. That had really surprised her to be
honest.
Sophie often thought her mother didn’t really care much
about her to be honest. She had felt this was the case for a long time. Her
mother wanted her to do well but mainly so that people wouldn’t think badly of
her. If Sophie didn’t do well at school or if she didn’t have friends or if she
didn’t look smart or neat then people would notice. People would talk about it.
Talk about her. They would say bad things about mother as well as Sophie. And
mother just couldn’t have that.
That was what Sophie thought anyway. She didn’t think her
mother was really interested in Sophie herself at all. She didn’t think her
mother would ever be very interested in her to be honest. She would never be
really that interested in Sophie. Not to the point where she actually wanted to
know her or get to know her better or to understand her better. She just didn’t
think mother was all that interested in her.
Sophie was just someone her mother had to keep an eye on. If
she didn’t then there would be consequences, and those consequences would be
very public and very uncomfortable. Sophie even thought that if mother knew for
certain that no one would know or say anything then she probably wouldn’t pay
Sophie any attention at all. She would just let her do whatever she wished. She
definitely wouldn’t have taken the time to read her diary from cover to cover.
Sophie sighed. She felt so very alone, and that loneliness
was really starting to eat away at her. She felt helpless in the face of it.
Completely helpless. She couldn’t even talk to anyone about being lonely. It
was all just too much really.
She was trying to be a bit stronger. Mother was always
telling her to be stronger. She was trying to not let it bother her. Trying to
just be happy about what she did have. She had lots of books to read and lose
herself in (her favourite pastime) and a library card which gave her access to
even more books. So she kept her self happy and content.
She was doing well in her lessons. Well, all of the ones
where she didn’t have to work in groups or pairs. She was clever – her teachers
told her so anyway. She enjoyed her lessons and she enjoyed reading and writing
answers to questions. She loved to write stories. She wrote loads of them
almost all of the time.
In fact, that was what she spent most of her time doing to
be honest. She had a book full of stories with extra stories on separate pages
tucked inside. The book was overflowing with ideas and she just loved to add to
it.
There were some days though when she just wanted to hang
out. She didn’t really want to read or write anything. She just wanted to hang
out and talk and chat and laugh and joke. But she had no one to do that with.
No one at all.
Sophie sighed and headed to her bookcase. She chose a book
at random and settled onto her bed to read. That would make the time pass
faster for her. It would make her feel less bored and less alone.
It would also keep mother off her back. She never really
bothered Sophie when she was reading. Sophie knew she would be safe from
interruptions and interference with a book in her hand.
She drifted off into another world and another life. The
life of the characters in her book. She was happiest there after all.